Weddings: A game of Benjamins and tainted hearts

If looks could kill we would’ve had another episode of Game of Throne’s ‘Red Wedding.’ Not much of a ‘happily ever after’ occasion if you ask me.

It was a family wedding, the bride draped in ivory, her vail trailing meters behind her, a lavish fairy-tale setup, the making of a perfect night but stained with jealousy, hatred and competition. Dozens of smoky eyes scanned the iridescent hall sending daggers from one end to the other while gossip took center stage – I didn’t know I RSVP’d to an estrogen-filled battle.

Weddings today are not simply the intimate affair to commemorate love and compassion like they once were, they’re about money, money and money – it all comes down to the Benjamins. If you’re aspiring for a winter wonderland theme, let me be the first to warn you, your ceremony will be the talk of the year – wipe the smile off, I didn’t mean it in that way.

As Vogue girls like to say, “it’s so middle ages.”

What has happened to the wedding scene? It has turned into a vicious sport instead of a memorable milestone.

Unless you have the most expensive floral arrangements, the hottest wedding planner of the year, 4 karat gold choco-bons circling around at all times, Najwa Karam, fish bowls for vases and a $500,000 Mark Zunino gown, you’ve already set course for utter disaster.

Let’s cut to the cake now shall we?

Today, brides-to-be are more bridezillas than they could ever be. If their best friend had a fountain at her wedding, they need to have a white horse hanging from the celling – oh trust me my eyes couldn’t believe it either. A parlor, makeup station and spa are also on offer at weddings today – guess the bride really wanted to promote local talent, how generous.

Poor daddy’s pocket, it’s never been more abused.

Let’s observe the average newlywed couple in their natural habitat. They would be saving money as they set foot towards a new life, after all, every penny counts, right? If you thought yes, your common sense is clearly on vacation. Instead, you find couples straining their budgets and their families’ savings in attempt to replicate a lavish modern-day standard - a Snapchat worthy affair depicted in mere seconds.

Why the showing off when its unaffordable?

Back to the wedding, here comes the bride glowing, beautiful and elegant … hang on, she can’t even walk. Young lady, how is this the dress of your dreams if you can’t breathe, let alone dance with your husband?

Dear reader, picture this: The bride and groom are sharing their first dance, John Legend’s All of Me echoes in the room while tears and sniffles linger in the background. A picture-perfect memory until you see two members of the help dance with them as they hold her gown.

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What a shame, the two girls struggled with the dress all night. Not to mention all the death stares the bride gave them during her dance. The new Mrs surely has a romantic memory of that moment forever.

The hassle and tense atmospheres all for the sake of gossip and 280 likes on an Instagram picture – #worthit, I don’t think so.

Another trend in 21st century weddings sheds light on the parents. The senior love birds. Oh yes, you didn’t think we were going to leave them out? They’re just as bad.

I traced my eyes to the Mother of the Bride, the M.O.B if you will, she did seem like a mafia leader executing a critical operation – best not to mess with her if you ask me. She was on the move, the DJ, the planner and the catering team had their work cut-out for them no doubt.

Dear MOB, it’s not about you. You had your moment in the spotlight.

The percentage of marriages that fall apart due to dispute between the couple’s parents has continued to increase year-on-year.

Dear MOB, is it really worth seeing your daughter heartbroken because the groom’s mother wouldn’t pay for the Swarovski crystal chandeliers? Apparently, it is.

Also, please keep in mind these two things, you’re not competing with your daughter or the mother of the groom. Oh, and a word of advice, tone down the Botox – less is surely more, unless you’re aiming for a modern Pablo Picasso look.

The wedding came to a close. The elder women, now fueled with endless criticism, wear their false smiles as they congratulate the MOB on her extraordinary effort, a wedding ‘unlike any other’ they say.

Let’s face it, we all know the WhatsApp group buzz the next morning, ladies.

Dear love, I apologize for the sins committed in your name. Weddings are forever more but a free invitation to criticize, to hate and to show-off.