Revealed: The 9-step guide to being popular and ultra-likeable

Some people seem to have natural charisma. No matter where they go or who they are with, people instantly like them. The good news is that charisma, charm, likeability - whatever you want to call it - is something anyone can learn. Here are nine things popular people do:

1) They focus on other people

Most people enter a conversation thinking: “What can I say that will make them like me?” Or: “How can I come across as really interesting or funny?” They think these thoughts throughout the conversation. This is a mistake. Ultra-likeable people are able to empty their minds of self-talk, freeing them to completely focus on others.

2) They ask questions

Ultra-likeable people are genuinely interested in learning more about others. Not only does this show they care, but it gives the other person a chance to talk about themselves - something they might not get the chance to do very often. Popular people will ask questions to look for common ground, knowing that focusing on this will lead to greater connection.

3) They listen more than they talk

It is a common misconception that ultra-likeable people are all extroverts, and that to be popular you need to be able to tell a good joke or funny story. This is not true. Introverts are extremely likeable because they tend to listen more, making the other person feel important, interesting and liked. If you can make someone feel like that, they will instantly like you.

4) They are fully engaged

Being fully present in the conversation is key to being ultra-likeable. Poor eye contact (looking over the other person’s shoulder or anywhere but their face) can give the impression you are uninterested in what they are saying. Being on your phone or watching TV while they talk to you will have the same effect. If they are willing to show you enough respect to take the time to talk to you, be respectful back. Put your phone away and be present.

5) They show empathy

Empathy is showing an interest in other people’s feelings. Even more than that, it is being able to experience those feelings and respond to the other person, understanding what they are going through. This is a skill in itself, one worth developing if you have not done so already. People will instantly like you if they feel you have taken the time to understand them and where they are coming from.

6) They are comfortable complimenting other people

If have a positive thought about someone, share it. Most people like a complement, not necessarily the compliment itself (some people find it hard to accept them) but the fact that you have noticed something about them. This can make them feel good, associating you with feeling good, so every time they see you they will instantly feel good.

7) They are aware of their body language

Ever heard of RBF? If not, Google it. It is a term for people who naturally look grumpy. You are always communicating via body language, even if you are unaware of it, so if you naturally tend to frown you might be sending out the wrong signals. Be more conscious of your body language. Smile, check your posture and tone of voice. Ensure you are giving off the right energy.

8) They are authentic

Ultra-likeable people ooze authenticity. They know who they are, like who they are, and live by it. They are congruent through and through. Trying to be someone you are not (such as an introvert trying to be an extrovert) can not only be exhausting but easily perceived as fake. This breaks trust, and without trust there will be no connection.

9) They remember people’s names

While writing this post in a café, I stopped a lovely lady to ask her: “What makes you really like someone?” We introduced ourselves and continued our conversation. “Remembering someone’s name,” she said, followed by: “On that note, what’s yours again?” It was a great moment of which I saw the funny side, but some people - particularly those who might take themselves quite seriously - might not be so forgiving. People like to feel special, and if you can remember their name you are one step closer.